Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA) : The Voice of the Parent Carer

As an Educational Psychologist, an integral role is to elicit the views and voices of parent carers and their children.  The impact and consequences of Emotionally Based School Avoidance for families can be significant and far reaching - as part of our EBSA Horizon CPD course for Educational Psychologists, we will explore how we can support and empower families experiencing emotionally based absences from school. 

Register your interest in EdPsychEd's upcoming complete EBSA CPD training course for Educational Psychologists

A parent has kindly and bravely shared her experiences of Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA).

It was quite bewildering when Lewis first started to refuse school. It was not something I ever expected to experience as a parent and I didn’t know where to turn for help. Initially I reached out to school but found little support available, instead made to feel like I was actually a bad parent, it was something I was doing wrong. Why couldn’t I just get him to school!?

But in my head I kept asking myself “Why did no one seem to understand? Why couldn’t the teachers see what I saw?”

How did my little boy, full of smiles and curiosity become so withdrawn and sad?

None of it made sense and we lived in turmoil, treading on eggshells, unable to sleep and dreading every school morning. We soon found ourselves in a vicious cycle of negativity and disruption. Lewis’ siblings were extremely understanding and accepting of the extra time I needed to spend with Lewis to get him to sleep every night and then get him ready for school every morning, but ultimately they missed out on a lot of time with me and lack of attention from me.

When I reflect on our EBSA experience I can now see the early warning signs more clearly. At first I presumed Lewis was reluctant to go into school due to an issue in school, maybe a friendship issue that was upsetting him. The separation anxieties quickly escalated, eventually leading to full on school refusal. We would provide lots of structure through visual timetables, lots of verbal reassurance and justification of his anxieties but in the end this wasn’t enough. As much as us as parents were trying to help, school was reluctant and this made life almost impossible. What does threatening a parent with a fine for the amount of unauthorised absences set to achieve? How on earth will this help the family in need of support? I felt isolated as a parent and was desperate for help. When school couldn’t help I spoke to our GP and we were referred to CAMHS who recommended Lewis have sessions with the school nurse to discuss his emotions. It was great to be finally getting some help with Lewis but we were still faced with the daily challenge of physically getting him to school.

Yet the messages I kept getting from school were “Just get him here, he’s fine once he is here, he needs to be here, education is so important. He needs to come to school!”

They didn’t see the fake smiles like i did, the way Lewis masked his true feelings and emotions behind a nervous grin. They saw a smiling boy and thought everything was ok, that I was probably overreacting. They didn’t see the tears every night before bed though, the constant worries and distress that his anxieties caused.

So I carried him, kicking and screaming.

I left him chasing after me and crying.

I forced him into his school uniform, told him I understood but did nothing.

These things I regret every day.

And what did it achieve? Nothing but anxiety, stress and upset.

Then we made the decision to homeschool Lewis full time and now we laugh, learn and enjoy our educational experience. We create our own flexible, individual learning environment. This is something I do not take for granted and I fully appreciate that this cannot be an option for every parent who is experiencing EBSA with their child. I am thankful that we could do this for Lewis and we are now trying to reduce his anxieties and help him build his resilience in preparation for secondary school.

One size does not fit all within the educational system and not every child will flourish in a school environment. So listen to your parental instincts, no one knows your child better then you. Do what is right for them, talk openly about things that are worrying them and find solutions together. Listen to your child, validate their feelings and emotions and talk, talk, talk about their anxiety.

We are in a wonderful place as a family now.

EBSA Horizons School Staff Training

EBSA Horizons School Training is a comprehensive CPD course for School Staff, which develops understanding and skills (alongside a lot of resources) to support children and young people experiencing difficulties attending school. This course has been updated for 2023 with a new chapter -

Chapter 6:  The Systemic Change Model of EBSA

Find out more about EBSA Horizons School Training here and register your interest to receive 3 FREE resources from this course.

EBSA Horizons Educational Psychologist CPD

EBSA Horizons is a comprehensive CPD course for EPs, which develops understanding and skills (alongside a lot of resources) to support children and young people experiencing difficulties attending school. This course has been recently updated for 2023 with two new chapters -

Chapter 6:  Supporting Autistic CYP Experiencing EBSA

Chapter 7:  Entrenched EBSA

Find out more about EBSA Horizons here and register your interest to receive 3 FREE resources from this course.